If You’re Over 30 And Single, You Should Be Using Tinder

If You’re Over 30 And Single, You Should Be Using Tinder

click photo for more information
If You’re Over 30 And Single, You Should Be Using Tinder
So much of the discussion around Tinder centers on people in their twenties. But it’s actually the best way for people in their thirties and older who are looking for relationships to meet. View this image › Alice Mongkongllite / BuzzFeed Tinder is “stupid and harmful because it only makes romantic human connection harder.” It […]

So much of the discussion around Tinder centers on people in their twenties. But it’s actually the best way for people in their thirties and older who are looking for relationships to meet.

Alice Mongkongllite / BuzzFeed

Tinder is “stupid and harmful because it only makes romantic human connection harder.” It is also “a factory and you shouldn’t pretend it’s even vaguely romantic.” And let’s not forget that “the adult consequence of living with one’s decisions doesn’t really exist when the next best thing is only a swipe away.”

Most of the discussion around Tinder has focused on its core demographic: twentysomethings, gay and straight, in urban areas (New York and Los Angeles, where I live, are its two biggest markets), who seem to use Tinder to hook up, boost or masochistically deflate their ego, and/or issue sweeping, usually disparaging pronouncements about everyone they’ve ever encountered on it.

But I’ve now come to realize that even though all of the press around Tinder focuses on its popularity with twentysomethings, it’s actually the perfect app for someone in their thirties, or older, to find love. As people age, they naturally grow less inclined to seek out relationships that are more casual. (For one thing, it’s exhausting. After you turn 33 or so, staying out past 10 on a school night becomes much more rare.) Also, as we age, the pool of eligible people shrinks, and with it so do the number of opportunities to meet people in the ways people met people in their twenties (well, before Tinder existed): through friends, at parties, at bars, at work, in grad school, wherever. There’s something really comforting to know that, in fact, there are actually tons of people out there who are age-appropriate and are looking for the same thing you are.

Because much of the criticism of Tinder seems to actually be, implicitly, a criticism of the machinations of dating, and the ways in which dating causes people to, sometimes, show their worst, judgmental, passive aggressive selves instead of their best selves. My co-worker Tamerra recently asked me, “Do people think that the app will relieve people of the responsibility of being sincere, projecting themselves honestly, and communicating what they’re looking for in a relationship the same way they would IRL?” Certainly, Tinder seems to make it easier to not be vulnerable, to put out a bulletproof version of yourself. But Tinder doesn’t make it easier to fall in love just because it makes it easier to be exposed to hundreds, or thousands, of potential dates. To fall in love means you need to really know yourself, and be secure and happy enough that you want to share yourself with someone else, and to be vulnerable. Tinder doesn’t get rid of those steps, and it’s unrealistic to think that it would.

I agree with the psychology professor Eli J. Finkel, who recently defended Tinder as “the best option available now” for “open-minded singles … who would like to marry someday and want to enjoy dating in the meantime.” And I think that’s especially true if you are in your thirties and you are looking for a relationship, and you see dating as a means to that end. There are, of course, exceptions to every single rule, but I found that the people on Tinder in their thirties were, generally, more receptive to the idea of being in a relationship than you would expect. Including me.

I spent most of my twenties in a series of relatively short-lived monogamous relationships. I didn’t “date,” per se; I ended up with boyfriends who clearly weren’t right for me, but I was so comfortable with companionship that I didn’t mind. And this was the early aughts, in the early days of online dating: I was briefly on Nerve, and went on a few dates, but it felt unnatural and weird, and I didn’t know anyone else doing it. Or if they did, they were keeping it a secret, like me. So my boyfriends were guys I met in grad school, or at work, or through friends, or, once, at the optician. (He fixed my glasses.) It wasn’t until the last couple of years, when I was already well into my thirties, that I began to date date, and I quickly learned that the only people who truly like dating — and by dating I mean the numbing dance of texting, and not hearing back, and then finally hearing back, and then making plans, and changing plans, and finally meeting and deciding within 30 seconds that this is not your Person, and then doing it all over again — are generally either sociopaths or masochists.

So I do want to be clear that the mostly bad things people say about Tinder were also mostly true (and bad) for me for the year or so that I was on and off it. I got the addictive rush when I matched with someone, and another one when a match would text me, and another when we would make plans. I felt a momentary dejection when someone I was convinced was a match, based on his photos and the briefest of descriptions, didn’t match with me. Or if I went a couple of days without a match, I despaired: Was it possible I had exhausted the entire population of age-appropriate men in Los Angeles, and none of them was interested in me? But no. There were always more matches to be had.

I Tindered on work trips and vacation, meeting up a couple times with people in New York — just to see, I told myself — and became fascinated with the differences among the photos of guys in Norway (lots of skiing), Boston (lots of Red Sox caps), and Israel (lots of shirtless pics). I started taking my phone to bed with me, which had been a longtime taboo, so that I could swipe, swipe, swipe late into the night. I Tindered at bars; I Tindered in the bathroom. When it started feeling like it was taking over my life, I deleted it from my phone, took a break of a few days or a few weeks, and started again.

My profile stayed essentially unchanged over the year or so I was on and off Tinder, and everything I wrote on it was true. I was in “digital media,” I was from Boston, I was relatively new to L.A., I loved tacos and avocados, I had met two internet-famous cats but I liked dogs better. I had around five photos up, showing me in various environments and outfits and hairstyles. What I think I was trying to say was that I was approachable but not desperate, reasonably but not intimidatingly attractive, funny but not someone who did it for a living (this felt important since there were so many stand-up comedians in L.A.). I was finally over obsessing about not being “that girl” — that is, the girl who is vocal about wanting to be in a relationship, who is actually confident enough in herself to be upfront about her own needs. So I was also very conscious of wanting to communicate that I wanted a relationship without explicitly coming out and saying it in the profile, which seemed like a bit much for an opening gambit.

But while my profile stayed mostly the same, my experience on Tinder shifted each time I left and got back on, as though the breaks I took were also opportunities for the app itself to catch up with me. When I started using it in the spring of 2013, most of the guys on it were in their early twenties — way too young for me — and seemed to be only looking for a hookup. I messaged with a few of them out of boredom, but the novelty quickly wore off. When it came down to it, was I really going to go over to a 24-year-old bartender’s apartment at 10 p.m. so he could “make us drinks”? No, the days when that would’ve been appealing — if ever — had long passed. But gradually the average age of my matches crept up, and I soon noticed a very real shift in the ways in which I engaged with people on the app — and that they were responding more sincerely to the message I was sending with my profile.

And soon, I realized that all of this Tindering was doing for me was making me feel more empowered. I got to make the decision about whether we went out again. I had been so conditioned to believe that I wasn’t in the driver’s seat when it came to dating (thanks, New York) that I had become way too passive; I was so obsessed with wondering whether someone liked me that I forgot about the part that was just as important: whether I actually liked them. And going out with so many different people — in fact, simply encountering so many different people, even just on the app — had the effect of, also, helping me refine what it really was I was looking for.

First it helped me figure out what I wasn’t looking for. And that might not be what you’re not looking for, and that’s fine! That’s the beauty of Tinder, and the world; there are lots of different kinds of people for everyone. But for me, that became: anyone whose first profile photo was of them holding a beer; anyone whose first profile photo was of them shirtless in an upside-down yoga pose (granted, this might be an L.A. thing); anyone who seemed deeply unenthusiastic about their career (too old for this); anyone who lived in Orange County (too far and too suburban); anyone who had a picture of themselves proudly holding a large fish they had caught. (It turns out we can intuit a lot of things about people just from a few pictures.) I liked men who were funny and smart and did something creative with their lives. I liked men who were kind.

I’ve always hated those stories, whether it’s a Modern Love piece in the New York Times or an essay published somewhere else, about the single girl who finally, FINALLY finds love, and lives happily ever after. So this isn’t going to be one of those stories, mostly because I’m old enough now to know that there is never a happily ever after, that “ever afters” mean a million different things, and besides, an asteroid might kill us all tomorrow anyway. But I will end with this: that after a year on Tinder, and many matches but many, many misses, I matched with someone last March. We texted for pretty much 24 hours straight, and then talked on the phone for an hour and a half, and then had the best first date I’d ever had, where we talked about nothing and everything and I told him that smoking was a deal breaker and he agreed to quit on the spot. He is smart and funny and handsome and most of all, kind and thoughtful in ways that make me more mindful of how I treat other people. And the other night, when I wasn’t feeling well, he drove 25 minutes each way to pick up chicken soup from the Vietnamese place I like. Sometimes we talk about what would’ve happened if we hadn’t swiped right. I’m just happy we both did.




Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/doree/if-youre-over-30-and-single-you-should-be-using-tinder

Daisy Ridley reveals struggle with endometriosis and sends a positive message

click photo for more information
Daisy Ridley reveals struggle with endometriosis and sends a positive message
Image: instagram LONDON Star Wars actress Daisy Ridley has quickly become known as a celeb who’s not afraid to show a very real side to her life on social media. SEE ALSO: Daisy Ridley proves she’s the most down-to-earth celeb on Instagram (yet again) In an Instagram post, the actress reveals a longtime battle with […]

10 Ways To Turn Your Pale Winter Complexion Into A Summer Glow Without Tanning

click photo for more information
10 Ways To Turn Your Pale Winter Complexion Into A Summer Glow Without Tanning
I dont know how it happened, and I dont know when it happened, but spring has sprung, darlings. I went on a plane to Florida two weeks ago, and I clearly remember furiously dragging my suitcase through the icy streets of Manhattan as I shivered, waiting for a taxi to take me to the airport. […]

These Sons Have An Important And Heartbreaking Message About Their Mom’s Health

click photo for more information
These Sons Have An Important And Heartbreaking Message About Their Mom’s Health
More than five million Americans are currently living with Alzheimer’s disease or some form of dementia. Statistics show that one in three seniors dies at the hands of this terrible illness. Common symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer’s go far beyond just memory loss. Sufferers can also experience confusion, changes in behavior, hallucinations, and problems with […]

First Lady’s lawsuit bemoans missed ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ opportunity for millions of dollars

click photo for more information
First Lady’s lawsuit bemoans missed ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ opportunity for millions of dollars
First Lady Melania Trump’s new lawsuit is raising eyebrowsImage: Sandy Schaeffer Hopkins/REX/Shutterstock While President Trump continues to churn up controversy over his potential business conflicts of interests while in the White House, First Lady Melania Trump’s new lawsuit implies that an erroneous news story may have cost her the chance to make millions while serving […]

Antibacterial soaps banned in US amid claims they do ‘more harm than good’

click photo for more information
Antibacterial soaps banned in US amid claims they do ‘more harm than good’
The Food and Drug Administration has washed its hands of the products, saying there is no scientific evidence that they are better than plain soap and water Antibacterial soaps were banned from the US market on Friday in a final ruling by the Food and Drug Administration, which said that manufacturers had failed to prove […]

Dad Says Theres 1 Thing Hell NEVER Do if He Has a GirlThen Mom Sees This in the Bathtub

click photo for more information
Dad Says Theres 1 Thing Hell NEVER Do if He Has a GirlThen Mom Sees This in the Bathtub
It’s the first thing her husband told her when he found out they were expecting a girl… By Courtney Westlake When we found out we were expecting a little girl, my husband, Evan, told me one thing: I dont do girl hair. Braids, brushing, pigtailsforget it. Evan grew up with two sisters and has laughed […]

What This Guy Does To His Face Every Day Is Amazing (And Hilarious)

click photo for more information
What This Guy Does To His Face Every Day Is Amazing (And Hilarious)
In the wide world of cosmetics on social media, there are two types of artists. There are your standard beauty bloggers who do demos on wearable makeup looks and talk people like me into spending exorbitant amounts of money on lipstick every month, and then there are artists of the special-effects variety. These creators tend […]

If Caretakers Don’t Get These Three Baby Koalas Back From A Thief They’ll Surely Die

click photo for more information
If Caretakers Don’t Get These Three Baby Koalas Back From A Thief They’ll Surely Die
One of Australia’s most famous animals is the cuddly koala. It’s easy to understand why people might want to hold a koala or try to keep one as a pet, but they’re actually quite the handful. It’s important that koalas stay out in the wild, or if they’re sick or orphaned, are taken care of […]

One College Football Coach Uses Hugs And Kisses To Help His Players Thrive

click photo for more information
One College Football Coach Uses Hugs And Kisses To Help His Players Thrive
googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.defineSlot(‘/37886402/VN_PG_DTBT_ATF’, [728, 90], ‘VN_PG_DTBT_ATF_580ec5d93ef7b’).addService(googletag.pubads()) googletag.pubads().setTargeting(“NOVA_MB”, “VN_”); googletag.pubads().setTargeting(“NOVA_SC”, “VN_ORGN”); googletag.pubads().setTargeting(“NOVA_TS”, “TS_D”); googletag.pubads().setTargeting(“NOVA_AT”, “VN_ORGN_PG_D_REV_1.0_ASYNC_DEFAULT”); googletag.pubads().setTargeting(“NOVA_CC”, “VN_ORGN_D_UNK_118126_A”); googletag.pubads().setTargeting(“NOVA_PG”, “1”); googletag.enableServices(); googletag.display(‘VN_PG_DTBT_ATF_580ec5d93ef7b’); }); While lack of emotional expression is a cornerstone of masculinity, research shows that this type of behavior is actually toxic. According to one study by the American Psychological Association (APA), men are significantly less […]

Here’s Why You Should Stop Buying These Things And Make Them Yourself

click photo for more information
Here’s Why You Should Stop Buying These Things And Make Them Yourself
It’s almost Tax Day, which means that budgets are tight and hopes are high for a big refund… But if you’re anything like us, you don’t leave your savings account’s balance up to chance. You’re constantly looking for ways to cut down on your monthly spending, whether it’s at the grocery store or on one […]

8 Things To Do Before And After A Workout To Get Better Results

click photo for more information
8 Things To Do Before And After A Workout To Get Better Results
For SELF, by Alexa Tucker. DaniloAndjus / Getty Images 1. Get enough Zzzs. “The most imperative thing in any fitness program starts the minute you go to sleep—that’s where all the magic happens,” says Cardiello. Being well-rested not only energizes you through every burpee or sprint, but it also keeps your hunger hormones in check, so you’re […]

This man’s microchip can predict your future

click photo for more information
This man’s microchip can predict your future
(CNN)It would be remiss to describe Chris Toumazou’s path to professorship as anything other than unconventional. Make that highly unconventional.

The best sunscreens for your face, according to dermatologists | Fox News

click photo for more information
The best sunscreens for your face, according to dermatologists | Fox News
((c) Tom Merton) Its no secret that you should wear sunscreen every single day (rain or shine!) to prevent premature aging and reduce your risk of skin cancer. But finding the right formula for your skin can be a challenge. Many people complain that sunscreen makes their face feel sticky, flaky, or take on a ghostly […]

If Your Daughter’s Breasts Are Growing Abnormally Early, Her Health May Be At Risk

click photo for more information
If Your Daughter’s Breasts Are Growing Abnormally Early, Her Health May Be At Risk
According to new information from the University of Glasgow, girls who develop breasts abnormally early are at risk for a host of physical problems and diseases later in life. In addition, they may suffer from social and psychological issues in their preteen and teenage years. First of all, you might be wondering what is meant […]

Good morning, wake up to health

click photo for more information
Good morning, wake up to health
They lift the spirits of Bengalureans and Goans with their show Fitness Hour, at 7.10 a.m. on Indigo 91.9. Zumba expert and fitness expert Shwetambari Shetty motivates listeners on fitness activities, Read more: http://www.thehindu.com/features/metroplus/good-morning-wake-up-to-health/article8953029.ece?utm_source=RSS_Feed&utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=RSS_Syndication
More